Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
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We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.