what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face