Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
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Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.