They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?
*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.