@IamEveryDayPpl

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

@IamEveryDayPpl

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

@IamEveryDayPpl

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

@IamEveryDayPpl

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

@IamEveryDayPpl

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

@IamEveryDayPpl

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.

@IamEveryDayPpl

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.