@IamEveryDayPpl
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
@IamEveryDayPpl
@IamEveryDayPpl
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
@IamEveryDayPpl
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
@IamEveryDayPpl
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
@IamEveryDayPpl
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
@IamEveryDayPpl
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
@IamEveryDayPpl
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
@IamEveryDayPpl
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
@IamEveryDayPpl
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
@IamEveryDayPpl
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.