Funny Tweeter

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Page of IamEveryDayPpl's best tweets

@IamEveryDayPpl : My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can't remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

@IamEveryDayPpl: I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

@IamEveryDayPpl: I didn't mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today...

I just wanted to be first on Santa's lap before he got peed on.

@IamEveryDayPpl: My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

@IamEveryDayPpl: Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.

@IamEveryDayPpl: Me: "I wish I was super hot..."

Menopause: "I got you, boo."

@IamEveryDayPpl: I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who've left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

@IamEveryDayPpl: *hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

@IamEveryDayPpl: Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

@IamEveryDayPpl: Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.