@IamEveryDayPpl : My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can't remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Follow @IamEveryDayPpl
@IamEveryDayPpl: I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
@IamEveryDayPpl: I didn't mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today...
I just wanted to be first on Santa's lap before he got peed on.
@IamEveryDayPpl: My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
@IamEveryDayPpl: Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
~Me. Speed dating.
@IamEveryDayPpl: Me: "I wish I was super hot..."
Menopause: "I got you, boo."
@IamEveryDayPpl: I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who've left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
@IamEveryDayPpl: *hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
@IamEveryDayPpl: Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
@IamEveryDayPpl: Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.