@IamEveryDayPpl Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
@IamEveryDayPpl 
@IamEveryDayPpl Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
@IamEveryDayPpl Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
@IamEveryDayPpl My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
@IamEveryDayPpl I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
@IamEveryDayPpl I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
@IamEveryDayPpl My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
@IamEveryDayPpl Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
@IamEveryDayPpl Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
@IamEveryDayPpl I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.