@IamEveryDayPpl

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.

@IamEveryDayPpl

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

@IamEveryDayPpl

It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.

@IamEveryDayPpl

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

@IamEveryDayPpl

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

@IamEveryDayPpl

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

@IamEveryDayPpl

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.