When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
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[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.