@IamJackBoot

It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.

@IamJackBoot

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

@IamJackBoot

Me: Did you like that story?

5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.

Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.

5: There’s another ending? Tell me.

Me: You don’t need to know.

5: Tell me, Tell me!

Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!

@IamJackBoot

A spider monkey isn’t very rare but its parents are. Just try finding a spider that drunk.

@IamJackBoot

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

@IamJackBoot

When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?

@IamJackBoot

Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?

@IamJackBoot

When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…

@IamJackBoot

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

@IamJackBoot

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.