SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
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If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you鈥檒l have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They鈥檙e necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Bear: What鈥檚 the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
When someone tailgates me I let them know I鈥檓 angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
There鈥檚 a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends鈥re you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
馃が賮賯胤 賮賷 賲氐乇 馃が
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I hear you鈥檝e been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I鈥檓 schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”