Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
You Might Also Like
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Cake!!
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened