“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
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[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Labreador
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Every house has this drawer
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Stop it! 😂
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.