It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
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The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?