It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
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Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
A leaf blower, but for people.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
also my go-to takeaway order
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control