There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
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me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.