My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
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*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there