FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
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Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
What if the weather talks about us?
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.