Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
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People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot