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Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
the last thing a carrot sees
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
man i love columbo
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.