Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
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My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
spot the difference
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
cyclists
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?