I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
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Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
This guy’s not having it 😆
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?