@Ideal_Victoria

You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.

@Ideal_Victoria

He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.

@Ideal_Victoria

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

@Ideal_Victoria

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

@Ideal_Victoria

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

@Ideal_Victoria

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

@Ideal_Victoria

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

@Ideal_Victoria

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

@Ideal_Victoria

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?