Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Ideal_Victoria's best tweets

@Ideal_Victoria : Coworker: *sneezes* Me: Bless you CW: *sneezes* M: Bless you CW: *sneezes* M: Bless you CW: *sneezes* M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

@Ideal_Victoria: What base is it when he says, "Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago"?

@Ideal_Victoria: I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

@Ideal_Victoria: My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

@Ideal_Victoria: Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

@Ideal_Victoria: I hope people who faint in public know that they're making things super awkward for the rest of us.

@Ideal_Victoria: Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

@Ideal_Victoria: Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

@Ideal_Victoria: Him: I'm attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

@Ideal_Victoria: Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*