When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
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We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.