Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
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If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
the greatest twitter interaction
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.