Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
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If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Body by sandwich.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry