WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
You Might Also Like
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.