Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
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All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
ok like just. call me at this point
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]