bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
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I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Good morning!
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
life finds a way
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.