my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
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Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
This makes total sense…
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”