I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
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I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
the clam before the storm
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.