somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
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I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.