German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
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there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
i hate you platonically
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.