If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
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The Onion called it…again.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
blocked.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.