@Illiter8

Only my husband would walk up to my gynecologist in Costco, point at me, give him the two thumbs up while grinning and say, ‘Nice one, huh?’

@Illiter8

Oh, you thought my hair twirling was flirting?
Actually, it was just me checking for split ends because you were boring the shit out of me.

@Illiter8

When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good.
No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface.
You too, ladies.

@Illiter8

It’s like my dad always said, “How did you get this number?!”

@Illiter8

What possible bit about trying to buy a large number of ice cream containers and two boxes of tampons says I want to chat you up, douchebag?

@Illiter8

The tattoos in your shirtless avi say ‘bad boy’; the flowered wallpaper behind you scream ‘living in mom’s sewing room’.