Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
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“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.