Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
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It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar