Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
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I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Accurate
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
This January has 47 Mondays
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg