My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
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If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.