The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
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Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Huge, if true.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils