Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
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John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Finally! 😈
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care