There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
You Might Also Like
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late