Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
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I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that