Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
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I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.