Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
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uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
is nasa ok
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath