The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
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Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.