@ImaFlyontheWall

Judge: Did you deal him a death blow with this custom crafted sword?
Me: Yes, your honor, I smelt it and dealt it..
Jury: *giggles*

@ImaFlyontheWall

Puts German chocolate in the fridge last night, this morning it’s taken over the area that the polish sausage was in..

@ImaFlyontheWall

Me: I’m sorry Aquaman, but talking to fish just isn’t a super power.
Aquaman: oh yeah? *squints* a dolphin scoots to my car and shits on it

@ImaFlyontheWall

He looks at her,
she undresses him with her eyes
His clothes fall
Whoa whoa. Are you a witch lady because that was creepy..

@ImaFlyontheWall

Bob: Who is that?
Me:That’s Ted, he’s the opposite of a hypochondriac..
Ted’s arm falls off
Ted: Hey guys!
Bob: Holy shit!
Ted: What, I’m ok

@ImaFlyontheWall

Kid: Dad, a girl called me ugly, how long does ugly last..
Dad:Hey hun
Mom:Yes?
Dad: How old are you?
Mom: 45
Dad:theres your answer kid

@ImaFlyontheWall

*follows around a family of ducks in the park while playing Sandstorm on a boombox*

@ImaFlyontheWall

Fact: If you get pulled over, as the cop is walking up to you, place an aluminum foil hat on your head and you disappear from his vision.

@ImaFlyontheWall

Me: So you’re an Atheist?
Him: Yup!
Me: So what year is it?
Him: 2015
Me: based on how years are counted after a certain birth?

@ImaFlyontheWall

Wears a black shirt to a first dates house to see if shes lying about having cats