I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
You Might Also Like
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature