Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
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“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.