The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
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If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”