Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
You Might Also Like
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
jesus christ confetti not now
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest