My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
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2005 Single
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2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
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2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
is frankincense just very honest incense?
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Do not levitate over flowers
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.