@IndecisiveJones

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

@IndecisiveJones

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

@IndecisiveJones

therapist: and when do you think your trust issues started

me: when I found out all the skittles are the same flavor

therapist: wait, what

@IndecisiveJones

moses: 9 commandments, goddamn that’s a lot of rules

god: OH NO YOU DIDN’T

@IndecisiveJones

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

@IndecisiveJones

shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE

sheepdog: god i hate this guy

sheep: BAH BAH BAH

sheepdog: ok i hate all of you