me: all I know is that to me, you look like you’re having fun, open up your lovin’ arms, watch out here I come

other kids: ok no, you’re not allowed to play red rover anymore


gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious


me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.


wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right


*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?


[day 1 of covid homeschooling]

me: alright, it says we have to do some-

8yo: *bursts into tears*


me: hear me out, you know how everybody LOVES prince, well what if there were two of him?

spin doctors: that’s genius


if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt


[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second