“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
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My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”