Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
White Rabbit: oh shit
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Inside me are two wolves, I should’ve stopped eating after the first one.
I’m not a fan of diarrhea jokes, I mean that shits been done all over the place.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan: Give it back…
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: I hate you
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
[trapped inside a volcano]
Toddler: Be Careful…
Toddler: The floor is lava…